RESOURCES OF SUPPORT
What To Do For Yourself After The Loss of A BabY

Suggestions from bereavement experts and support group leaders for parents facing pregnancy loss:
 
Be Human. Admit it when you feel lonely or in pain. Allow yourself to ask for help, and accept it when family and friends extend a hand. If necessary, contact a local support group for grieving parents.
 
Communicate. Talk about the baby and your feelings with your partner, family and friends.
 
Read. Refer to books, articles and poems that provide comfort, understanding and the sense you’re not alone.
 
Write. Record your thoughts in a diary or journal. Write letters, notes or poems to or about the baby.
 
Physical Exam. Because your body also may respond to the grief, schedule a physical examination about four months after experiencing a loss.
 
Stay Stable. Wait about a year before making any major decisions regarding your job, moving and relationships. Don’t let others make decisions for you.
 
Faith. Seek spiritual bonds, whether by renewing ties with clergy or setting aside quiet time for reflection.
 
Nutrition. Eat a balanced diet that includes milk, protein vegetables, fruit and whole grains. Avoid junk food.
 
Fluid Intake. Drink eight glasses of liquids (juice, water, soda) per day. Avoid caffeine or alcohol.
 
Exercise. Do something active every day. Even a walk around the block can be useful.
 
Rest. Avoid increased work activity. Maintain stable rest patters, even if you are unable to sleep.
 
Adapted from, “The Silent Loss”, Associated Press,
National SHARE office, St. Joseph Health Center, 300 First Capitol Drive, St. Charles, MO 63301 - May 1999

PLEASE ALLOW US TO GIVE YOU THE GIFT OF HOPE:
Please know that we have walked in your shoes. The loff of a baby is a very devastating and shocking experience. We will not ever minimize the loss one feels after losing a baby. You lose your hopes, your dreams, question faith and feel like you are living a nightmare and just want to wake up from it all. However, life does and can go on again. We survived and you can too. It has been almost 4 years since we lost our precious Kate and now when we only have bad moments whereas in the beginning we wondered if we would ever have a good moment again. Your world has been changed forever. However, we hope that you know you are not alone. Others have journeyed through this tragedy and are happy and living life again. Someday we hope that you too will feel full of life...although you will never be the same person. You will be a changed person with a different perspective. Hopefully you will a new and improved perspective. We can all learn from life's experiences. We felt we had the right perspective on life before our loss and treasured or time as a couple, with family and friends, and enjoyed every precious moment with Allie. However, we took it to an even higher level after our loss of Kate...enjoy every precious moment with loved ones and don't take one day on this earth for granted. You never know when your last day might be.

Please know that we survived and you can too. Despite the fear of the possibility of a difficult pregnancy after the loss of Kate, or another bad outcome, we decided to get pregnant again. We had a very healthy pregnancy and despite a little preterm labor, our son arrived on May 12, 2004 at 36 weeks and 5 days gestation weighing 7 lbs 12 ounces and was 20 inches long. He arrived as healthy and beautiful as one could ever imagine. The sound of his cry in the delivery room was the most beautiful sound in the world....music to our ears. In fact, crying never seemed to bother us anymore. It meant our children were alive and well. We treasure our three beautiful children. Each day that we spend with our two healthy beautiful children on earth reminds us of the beautiful child looking over us from heaven. Kate gave us so many gifts and the gift of appreciating each day as if it might be the last has forever changed us. Although we know our Kate is in our heavenly fathers arms, we still miss her and think of her often with a smile on her face. You can and will smile again...have faith.

WHAT WE WISH OTHERS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD:
(reprinted from a The Compassionate Friends newsletter. This is taken from an article by Betty Baggott. She is a freelance writer and a member of the board of directors of The Alabama Baptist. She is the wife of Bob Baggott, pastor of First Baptist Church, Birmingham, AL.)

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home any pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.

6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

7. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forevermore "be a recovering bereaved parent."

9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone-all of which may be related to my grief.

10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.

12. I wish you wouldn't offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you"ll like me still.

I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don't know what to do with us.